I am so impressed with P Chidambaram. Not only has he trotted down to the site of the CRPF massacre but he even took the salute with his hand squashed across his forehead at the CRPF parade and stood near the bodies of the dead and cheered up the wounded and then showed the gravel in his gut by resigning because the buck stopped at his desk. The buck, he said, stops here. The buck, he roared, goes no further.

Then, in ringing tones he said, the buck stops here, right here, nowhere else, on this table, my table, not the PA’s…this table here, I am responsible.

So touched was I that the HM had the spit in the eye to take the blame so squarely that I wept copiously.

My wife asked me why I was weeping copiously, she being an expert in stating the obvious.

Old PC, I said, whatttaaman, he’s holding the hot little buck.

So call him, tell him how you feel.

I did. PC, I said, over the phone after waiting 17 minutes, proud to shake your hand, what a sterling example to the rest, at least the 76 did not die in vain, those widows and orphans will be truly grateful, a nation salutes you.

A man has to do what a man has to do, he said, all valiant and stoic, his voice breaking like one of those Japanese businessmen about to shove a sword up his gut for honour except here it was a paper cutter to open the envelope from the PM telling him he couldn’t quit.

There was a deathly silence. Wassup, I said, there seems to be a deathly silence over the phone.

The PM, he has rejected my offer to quit.

There was a deathly silence.

He can’t do that, fight him on it, tell him the souls of the dead won’t let you keep your Z security and your white kurta laundry allowance and your Black Cats…

..My cat is brown…

I meant the commandos, mate, look, I am with you, don’t let Manmohan Singh bully you, here you are ready to throw it all in including the red light on car and the buck on the table once it stopped there and he is being a spoilsport, I mean tell him you cannot in good whatstheword…

Conscience…

Yeah. Right on…you cannot carry on...

Woe is me, what can I do, it was a point of principle now I am stuck with the job.

Heyheyhey, old buddy, easy, we’ll find a way out, we’ll keep that buck on your table, let’s take him up…

I can’t, I am loyal servant of the party, I serve at his pleasure, I cannot say no, I will have to soldier on…

Did you just say soldier on, PC?

You know what I mean, I cannot go against my leader…

…Much as your conscience is pricking you, right, I mean you cannot sleep at night thinking of those poor guys who got slaughtered, right and there is that buck staring up at you balefully...

Who is Bail Phully, I don’t know any Bail Phully…

Never mind, I have an idea, it will work…

What, I am so sad, I wanted so much to do the right thing…

Then do it. Let’s organise a media blitz, you know a whole feeding frenzy pressuring the PM into reconsidering the reconsidered resignation letter so that it can then be considered as having been reconsidered and in the fresh consideration he can then accept the rejected resignation having given it renewed consideration, tell you what, for you, my political shining knight, I am going to start calling people now, hello, hello, PC, your line is going faint, I can’t hear you, PC, PC, do you hear me…

Funny, I haven’t been able to get through to him since then.

[The author wishes to confess that the editor demanded a 600 word article or else it could have been written in one line: You think we are stupid?]
 

(This column first appeared in the April 16-31 print edition of Governance Now.)