A girl studying in the prestigious Presidency University was thrashed in south Kolkata by a group of people owing allegiance to the Trinamool Congress (TMC) on April 15, The Telegraph reports. Her crime: she was smoking and wearing shorts. This, when TMC chief Mamata Banerjee is poised to retain power in the West Bengal assembly election. After reading this news, I started wondering what Didi could say in her victory speech about women enslave… errr empowerment for the next five years. Here is what I imagine:
 
Ladies and gentleman! We won West Bengal once more! ‘Maa Maati Manush’ is invincible! (claps)

As chief minister, I had promised to make Kolkata the London of India. The Big Ben at Lake Town is a testament to that promise. Today, here, we create history for the second time. We have not only defeated the corrupt Left Front the second time but we have also managed to keep other parties at bay.
It has been more than a century since Kabiguru Rabindranath Tagore’s passing. In his time, women were repressed; so he advocated their rights. But today women have too many rights. We have to keep pace with the changing times. So I say once and for all, you women keep your rights at home! We need to tone down female empowerment – especially now that I have become chief minister again. Look what the progressive Left Front government had done to the state? Students dared to question my dictatorship! They dared to defy me and my stooges! How will I run the government with so much opposition? Free thought is a huge risk. I may not be chief minister if free thought is allowed to prevail! We have to make Kolkata London. That should be our focus. Our infrastructure has improved, not counting a flyover collapse or two. I have put our state on the world map. Can’t you women sacrifice your rights for the state?

We have been through enough trying times. No industry has set foot in the state in the last forty years. And when they did come here they dared to mess with my beloved farmers! It was a tough decision. I cried for days. I am not selfish. My ambition is not bigger than the wellbeing of people. I tried to reason with the CPI(M) government but they were adamant. I had no choice but to go on a hunger strike for the sake of the poor farmers.
Anyway, I am digressing. Self-praise can be addictive. Today we face the threat from the BJP which is trying to further its communal agenda in this peaceful state. All Hindu women must cover themselves from top to bottom. No western clothes, no western lifestyle! This way we will nip the lotus party’s communal agenda in the bud. If we already give people what the BJP wants to lure them with, we as a state will stand united. My methods may be unconventional, but rest assured my intentions are good!

(Shouvik Ganguly, who led the mob in the April 15 attack, claps passionately)

The police have been very cooperative so far, refusing to take action against the moral police. I hope that in the future they extend it to other crimes against women as well.

Soon, to develop our state further, I will sanction a legal branch of the moral police. We will not allow practice of any free-thinking, liberal, progressive habits which can be linked to our enemy, the CPI(M). I want to erase their memory from people’s mind! They have been a curse to West Bengal! Jadavpur, College Street, Alimuddin Street and other potentially dangerous areas will be regularly patrolled to maintain the peace.

Also, in the next five years, the West Bengal government will spend Rs 600 crore on state surveillance techniques.

To inculcate gratitude for the government, tomorrow onwards, volunteers will be distributing white cotton sarees and rubber sandals in the city. It will be mandatory to wear these all day on weekends.

For a state to succeed, the people of the state have to be happy. And happiness starts with the government.

Let peace prevail! And if we need occasional mob justice for that, I don’t see anything wrong in it.

Maa, Maati, Maanush!