I have never sent or received a telegram. Not in the 37-plus years that I have lived on this planet till date, nor on July 15, when the last ones went out as Bharat Sanchar Nigam Limited (BSNL), which ran it, wound up the service. I never needed to.

I am sure my parents, or their parents, or in fact their parents, must have gone to the telegraph offices to record the tweet of their time. But, then, that was their age.

I do not understand the sentimentality behind cries calling for the services to be continued – M Sekaran, president of the federation of consumer and service organizations, has filed a PIL in Madurai bench of Madras high court, rejecting BSNL’s contention that there are no users of telegram and seeking its restoration, and VAN Namboodiri, convenor of forum of BSNL unions and associations, has flayed the government for discontinuing it.

While Namboodiri may offer his unionism as the reason for his objection, Sekaran should have fewer, if any, such rationales. After all, how many consumers consume telegrams these days. Till recently, the government was the biggest one, and that ‘consumer’ now feels there is no need for it to consume the services any longer. One would have thought the argument rests its case there itself. But, oh, the maudlin mind!

There is even a news feature in firstpost.com today in which the staff at the Central Telegraph Office (CTO) in Delhi rue that they have no work any more (read the story here). Really? Ladies and gents, let me please remind you politely that you are employed by BSNL, which is loaded with work. And which is not the best service provider anyway. So get over your weepy, self-pitying stupor and get to work in another department.

There are even staffers quoted there who want to retire at CTO, which has been their “home” for decades. Really? Doing what? Twiddling your thumbs, at taxpayers’ expense? But, then, such anecdotes make us, members of a soppy, sentimental tribe, reach for the handkerchief. Oh, the maudlin mind!

Talking of sentiments, the moments that made films of the 1960s, ’70s and ’80s insufferable were those in which the family received a telegram. They were enough to move med to tears – of frustration.

In contrast, the one filmi telegram scene (if you can call it that) I will cherish forever is the ‘Sixteen going on Seventeen’ song in the Sound of Music. Remember Rolf, the young Nazi telegram boy proposing young Liesl? “Dear Liesl, I would like to tell you how I feel about you STOP Unfortunately, this wire is already too expensive Sincerely, Rolfe.”

So here’s how some of our leading lights might write their first telegrams if the service is restored:

Mamata Banerjee: Maoist STOP CPM STOP conspiracy STOP yours in rage, Didi

Narendra Modi: Sympathies for Puppy STOP not for Pappu STOP yours nationalistically, Narendrabhai

Manish Tewari: This shows the decrepit nature of views of our esteemed opposition, whose leaders think they can equate anything with anything else to get at something that may or may not be the truth STOP The Congress party condemns whatever is condemnable in Mr Modi’s condemnable words... (at which point the telegraph writer gives up)

Digvijay Singh: It’s all a ploy to divide the undivided Congress joint family STOP Let’s sing to show the thumb-down STOP Puppy can’t dance (beep), Pappu will dance (beep) STOP yours laughingly, Diggyboy

Manmohan Singh: STOP STOP STOP