Survey is flavour of the season, and everyone’s doing it, I am told by news channels and newspapers. Being the copycat I decided to copy-paste the idea and do a survey of my own. The survey sample included everyone from my neighbourhood, barring the neighbours, their pets and their furniture.

Presented with a copy of the survey, Congress vice-president Rahul Gandhi called it “completely rubbish” and said it should be torn apart and thrown away. Since he neither tore it apart nor threw it in the dustbins of history but only made a crumpled ball of it and threw it away to have it land exactly five feet away, I took the same copy of the same survey to Narendra Modi, the BJP’s prime ministerial candidate.

After taking a long and hard look at it for nanoseconds that threatened to turn into seconds, Modi said the country should draw inspiration from Japan, which is hosting 2020 Olympics, and Fiji, which might seek hosting rights for 2120. Asked what those lessons might be, he said, “The UPA government should answer all such queries.”

While there were questions about whom they would vote for in the coming elections, respondents said surveyors and purveyors should mind their own business and let the surveyed and purveyed mind theirs in turn. Otherwise, they said, all samples in any survey in future would press the NOTA option when pressed with a yes-no-or-can’t say poser.

Excerpts from a survey edited for better comprehension:
 
Will Narendra Modi be the BJP’s prime ministerial candidate for any election held in 2019 or before?
Yes: 0
No: 0
Can’t say: 0
Explanation: The respondents refused to respond, saying the equation depends on multifarious factors, such as the position of stars, moon, sun, earth, the state of global warming and states of Advani and R Gandhi’s mind and ambition, respectively and irrespectively.
 
Will Rahul Gandhi be the Congress prime ministerial candidate for any election held in 2019 or before?
Yes: 0
No: 0
Can’t say: 0
Explanation: The respondents refused to respond, arguing that the situation depends on complex factors that begin and end with the state of the state at the time and the state of the party on the numbers-chart once the results are out.
 
Will Arvind Kejriwal be a prime ministerial candidate for any election held in 2019 or before?
Yes: 0
No: 0
Can’t say: 0
Explanation: All respondents sang, ‘Aam khaye saiyan hamaro…” It was so off-tune and lyric-lustre that questioner moved on to the next question.
 
Will a third front emerge as either a real or surreal alternative in 2014 elections?
Yes: 0
No: 0
Can’t say: 0
Explanation: no affront to any front but it’s an affront to all fronts to call any front a third front, said the lone respondent while refusing to respond.
 
Will there be more surveys in the run-up to 2014 elections?
Yes: 0
No: 0
Can’t say: 0
NOTA (None of the above): everyone
Explanation: all respondents ran away fearing any answer would land them in news channel studios. As explanation, while sprinting, they promised to survey the question before nodding their respective heads either way.