Like all things slapstick, in true Bollywood fashion, the Indian government’s typical reaction is kneejerk. Here’s how they do it: some minister or ministry top babu sits in his chair, the ones with a tall backrest wrapped in a white towel, shakes his leg, and with it the knee and, presto!, an idea tumbles out. Like a jerk.

And here’s how they enforce that idea: So Pakistan has sent its terror men to Srinagar and attacked a CRPF camp? We condemn it, dude. The very same day at that.

And then the neighbours have the audacity to sit in their national assembly, the Pakistani version of our Lok Sabha, and in turn condemn the hanging of Afzal Guru, the chap who was involved in that “dastardly”, “cowardly” (favourite phrases of India’s men and women who venture anywhere close to the Parliament complex) attack on our Parliament? We condemn that, too. We condemn the fact that those Pakistani politicians filched our original idea of condemnation and flung it back at us. We also condemn that they can condemn.

But hang it all, someone in external affairs ministry thinks, we need to do something bigger.

So here’s how they pore over the white sheet of paper and make plans to give a proper reply:

Option one: Ban their cricketers. Box already checked; they stand banned as it is.

Option two: ban their films. Box already checked; they stand banned as it is.

Option three: Ban their actors and singers from foraying into Bollywood. Box stands checked — that’s Raj Thackeray’s domain.

Option four: Ban their hockey team. Done. Check the box; announce it.

"The series was cleared by the sports ministry and the home ministry. But yesterday (Thursday) the external affairs ministry informed us that the series has been cancelled," Hockey India secretary general Narinder Batra was quoted by IANS on Friday.

It speaks volumes about the pressure under which the foreign ministry mandarins work that they have to deal with matters of hockey series as well while doing important and strategic things — like condemning Pakistan for their condemnation, condemning Italy for snatching their marines off our confines, confabulating on whether to condemn Sri Lanka in light of the UN resolution etc, damning Maldives for packing its former president back in prison and sending warships to warn the island-nation (don’t take it lightly, dude, there are 3,28,536 of those islanders, as per 2012 census — that’s more than half of Noida’s 6,42,381, as per census 2011).

Those are tough issues dealt with by the ministry led by a strong minister in Salman Khurshid (“I think we have had a good conversation. We have understood on both sides the totality of the circumstances”: Khurshid after discussing former Maldives president Nasheed’s refuge in the Indian mission with his counterpart Abdul Samad Abdulla. “It’s in our culture to welcome our guests with open arms. Whoever speaks about it, won’t worry us:” Khurshid on meeting Pak PM Raja Pervez Ashraf six days ago. “As we take steps (we) will let you know. We have to take steps and there is no question that we won't take steps: Khurshid after the Italian marines flew off, on the day the Supreme Court barred the Italian ambassador from leaving India without intimation).

If sources are to be believed, in fact, after banning the Pakistan hockey team for next month's series in India, the foreign ministry’s top officials are ruing the fact that the foreign policy of the erstwhile British empire did not involve Italy. Otherwise those pasta-loving folks, too, would have bitten the cricket bug and would have made it easier for India to retaliate in the present crisis by banning their cricket team. They might also be worried by the fact that Italy does not also seem to fancy hockey (at least not with any great enthusiasm) or Bollywood films (not beyond issuing the odd visas to some Bollywood types invited to some film festival in Venice or Rome or Sicily, where the mafia seemingly rule over even the guest list of festivals). So retaliation by a ban on those fronts would also not work. Needs rethinking, a big babu thinks.

But having taken the tough retaliatory decision on Pakistan and its hockey team, that babu can relax for now. The pizza, sorry Italian crisis, will need a fresh draft of boxes to check and uncheck. And we need the knee to jerk for that first.