The onion is back to haunt India’s politicians. While the Sheila Dikshit government began selling them at Rs 50 per kg at 1,000 select points in Delhi from Saturday (Aug 17), the government, smelling the pungent stench of public discontent, has already asked NABARD to curb export of onions.

With elections to the Delhi assembly round the corner, the BJP meanwhile is cutting no corners in piling up the critiques and carps on Dikshit’s plate. They, of course, know the heady taste of salt. After all, the party licked the wounds, and tears, after losing to the onion, and the Congress, in the 1998 assembly polls.

With tongue firmly in cheek, we checked with some onion experts on how to peel the price and curb the cross-country crisis – both in kitchens and in the political domain. Read with a pinch of salt handy.
 
1: Taking cue from Sheila Dikshit, if Narendra Modi promises to sell onions at Rs 30/kg, Lalu Yadav might just offer it at the same rate, besides giving some fodder free. To tackle the “fascist” Modi, Digvijay Singh is likely to extend another offer to all Congress-ruled states: buy 5 kg onion, scratch the cover for lucky first peel; 50 daily lucky winners will have Manmohan Singh visiting their homes for a ‘pyaaz paratha’.

According to experts, prices could go down drastically due to immediate lack of demand.
 
2: If all Bengalis turn vegan for a month, and eat only Jain pizza and so forth, chances are Mamata Banerjee won’t call anyone Maoist during the Durga Puja, when gastronomic gluttony shoots through the roof faster than the rupee-conversion rate of dollar. In fact, if the Bengalis continue that way for a week extra, onion rates could well dive below the minimum support price, or the Sensex, or whichever is lower at that point in time.

According to experts with knowledge in this field, one way to enforce that could be by painting all onions red. Banerjee will immediately see red and might ban it in Bengal.
 
3: If all Indians postpone weddings, birthdays and other receptions and parties for a month or two, the prices would come down substantially. While economists and sentimentalists said this could lead to depression in the market, and the mind, rationalists contended that would be a short-term effect. In effect, as one expert told us on condition of anonymity (“lest I am not allowed in any party in the immediate term”), this would mean more parties, and a higher onion intake, in the better-weather months and involve more savings.
 
4: Another expert said the government should offer tax relief on onion to soar up the economy. Asked to explain, the expert, who seemed to be in a hurry to go to the market and buy some onion pakoras before they vanish (“it’s raining, you see,” he said as way of explanation), said given the state of the economy, and the capital and onion markets, many people might dump stocks and mutual funds to fund onions at present. But if the economy retains its posture – reclining and declining at a steady pace despite assurances from the finance minister and one one-liner a month from the prime minister – in the next couple of months, an income tax relief on onion would mean people would rush to buy them only after October, when most offices in India ask for savings proof.

Told ‘duh uh?’ and asked to explain further, the expert barked, “peel off, you...”