Rather than hang about 27 years till the CWG 2010 Inquiry Committee presents its interim report on all the mudslinging that will start post the closing ceremony I thought, what the heck, let me make my own Commission and indict folks already. After deep thought and reflection these are my observations and recommendations.

At the outset find the person who paid the drummers Rs 1,000 each and A R Rahman Rs 5 crore and have him shot at dawn by a firing squad selected from the performers who got sweetly shortchanged. Talk about unbalanced scales, this financial chasm is dissss-gusting. And the song is pure bilge anyway. Face it guys, it does not rock your boat.

While on the subject ask Mr Rahman to cough back Rs 4 crore for failure to perform at the level expected of him.

Discover the formula that made Sheila Dikshit a princess to the rescue in a golf cart and patent it. Like how come the buck not only did not stop at her but zinged past and allowed accolade to step in instead, seeing as how she is the CM why is she getting away with it? Imagine the whole buildup was on her watch. Shouldn’t someone say, look lady, it is you and the government that messed up and had egg on the national face, so stop with the great rescue act, no one is buying it.

Ban Barkha Dutt. Just for the fun of it.

Start a Save Suresh Kalmadi campaign and make him a martyr and collect some money, too. After all, by the morning of October 15, when we are all hypocritically drunk on culture we will be feeling so good about being Indian and all, that folks will contribute. What did Kalmadi do that a posse of thousands of bureaucrats don’t do every day in our lives? He fibbed, he conned, he delayed, he messed about, he lost the files, he dicked the public, he bumbled along and what’s new about any of it? And he remembered Princess Diana. Sorry, Camilla, it sucks.
Feel such rising shame that despite the gold tally we know not who these Indian boxers, shooters, wrestlers, swimmers are nor do we give a damn. We do not even know the names of the members of the Indian hockey team. Where did they come from, Mr Dhoni, you are richer than all their tribe together and yet all they get is 14 and a half minutes of fame. Back to the darkness of anonymity in an instant.
Sack all journalists and columnists who write those deadly dull after the Games’ roundups, assessments, reviews replete with lessons learnt drivel and aftermath insights. Without benefits.

Indict all the officials of all the sports federations and associations along with Barkha Dutt, and not just for the fun of it. Because their contribution is zilch, cipher, zero. Non-existent. Give them a written exam on October 15 listing the Indian winners of medals and they will all fail to get even ten right.

Call all heads of TV news channels to the National Stadium and shoot them before dawn unless they promise, cross-my-heart promise, to guarantee that their anchors and correspondents will not mispronounce more than three words a minute and thus help restore sanity in this nation of 5,000 babbling channels because one more ‘ve vill vitness wery, wery vunderful ewent’ and I will shoot them. Cheerfully.
Bring back all the huddled masses, the wretched and the poor and let them live again. Last heard we were still a free country which sort of includes the right to be poor…I think… unless Sheila Dikshit finds the whole dirty people scenario nose wrinkling unattractive.

Find the guy who messed up the protocol at the opening ceremonies and shoot him, too, unless, of course, it wasn’t his fault that Prince Charles, the duchess of Cornwall, the president of India and her husband, and the PM were all playing musical chairs, moving hither and thither because I believe the presidential spouse was thulking about where to thit (gosh this TV anchor accents thing is infectious).
Have a huge garage sale at the National Stadium of all the goodies confiscated by the cops and make more money illegally.

Finally, bring along Mr Fennel who was responsible for the whole pre-Games mess anyway and penalise him by sending him out for a dinner date with Barkha Dutt. Unless, of course, someone takes me seriously, and she is banned. Then Fennel can just be made a scapegoat…hmmm, worth a thought, Suresh.

This first appeared in the October 16-31, 2010 issue (Vol. 01, Issue 18) of the Governance Now magazine.