I love the bureaucracy.

However, would I have let my daughters marry one? Now, that’s a loaded question.

Every time I go home to India I collect red tape like kids collect shells on a beach.

An official has sent my sister a letter. She gets a pension and every six months we have to send her life certificate duly signed by the local bank manager and a gazetted officer – whatever that is – so that the bank in India will credit her pension to her account. We let it slip on the last six-month segment but have despatched one now. The official thanks us for the latest confirmation but says “the records are incomplete without the previous document”.
Any suggestions that it is reasonable to assume that if she is alive now she is most likely to have been alive six months ago is falling on deaf ears.
The records are not up to date and the hallowed rules have not been paid due courtesy. So unless we send a stamped and processed letter for the earlier period, the pension will be held in abeyance.

An amusing anecdote about bureaucracy at its best occurred recently in Delhi when a grateful passenger on the way to his father’s funeral was helped by the railway authorities to get his reservation confirmed and was shown extreme courtesy. In his gratitude he asked for the station master’s comment ledger and was told that no book existed for recording compliments.

The other book available was the complaint book. The earnest traveller proceeded to mark out a page in this thick ledger and state that he was not complaining. He then emphatically wrote down appreciation for the railway staff who had come to his rescue.
Three weeks later he received this officially printed letter from the railway headquarters:

Dear Sir/Madam
We regret that you were put to inconvenience during your journey. Your complaint number 32/NR WEF AF has been acknowledged and due action has been ordered by the Regional Manager’s office. We will notify you of the final action taken.
Yes, sure.
***

Want something now? Sorry, come tomorrow

Don’t people who make you sweat for it get on your nerves? There is something they can get done within 10 minutes but they will tell you to come on Monday. You need HR to give you a letter, the guy will grin evilly and say, boss not here (sic) come next week.

But I need the damn thing today.

Sorry, we are closing.

You want to get a visa, why not just jump off the ledge and fly off because you are not getting it, so uncross your fingers.

Sorry, rules. There is no rule that says you make the petitioner jump through hoops before you serve him.

What pleasure do we get out of making people wait? It is like all those with petty authority have to misuse it to feel important about their shoddy little jobs.
I am asking for a receipt the other day and the guy says the book is finished.
The what?

The receipt book, I am told – don’t have another, come tomorrow.

Come tomorrow, come tomorrow, come tomorrow, it is like a dirge.

You ask your bank for a cheque book, they give you a form that will now be processed and then they will get back to you. They have your money – YOUR money, not their money – but they will get back to you. This is the same bank that waits for the mouse to run up the clock and then starts making obscene calls because it is your day for credit card payment and you are 22 minutes overdue.

You ask a counter person, any counter person anywhere in the world and the first word will be…you got it…wait.

The only thing that doesn’t wait is bills…they come on time, man do they come on time.