“I think that making stalking (and) voyeurism a punishable offence is too harsh and wrong. Peecha karne ke liye, taakne jhaakne ke liye, yeh bahut badi saza hai (It is too harsh a punishment for following/stalking, or for eyeing a woman)… When you watch ‘Sheila ki jawaani’ or Munni with her Zandu balm what goes on in your mind…?”

No, that’s not Shakti Kapoor, or any other Bollywood baddie for that matter. It’s Sharad Yadav, a Member of Parliament from Madhepura in Bihar and the national president of JD(U), the party that administers the same state.

And no, again, he was not scripting a Bollywood flick. He said it while debating the anti-rape bill in Parliament. Come again? Yes, Parliament.

Yadav seems to have lost touch with reality — not only back home but even in the national capital, where he spends a considerable part of the year. Stalking, dear sir, is not the innocent and cherubic Aamir Khan wooing a raging Madhuri Dixit with “khambe jaisi khadi hai, ladki hai ya chhari hai”. Stalking leads to acute violence and tragedy. Ask airhostess Geetika Sharma’s brother for details. Stalked and harassed, allegedly by former Haryana minister Gopal Kanda, Geetika killed herself; a few months on, unable to bear the trauma, her mother did the same.

Ask, also, the five persons who survived acid attacks only last month. And if statistics is what you are looking for, there were 71 acid attack incidents last year, with 98 persons (mostly girls and women) coming under attack, according to the Acid Survivors Foundation — most of them victims of stalkers that you think are only an embodiment of innocent Bollywoodesque romance.

It’s been 18 hours since Yadav, and some of his fellow honourable MPs mouthed some honourable lines during the debate, and I am finally past the initial two stages of reaction — of nearly falling off the chair following an acute spasm of belly laughter and frustrated rage. A day after the government finally gave in to the pressure from political parties and raised the age of consent from 16 to 18 years in the criminal law (amendment) bill-2013, there’s a shade of ironical sense of déjà vu in me. If these are the leaders who would ensure enforcement of the bill when it becomes a law, God save Indian women.

But before the frustration, let’s raise the mirth level. Samples of the farce in the name of discussion on a serious issue.

# Shailendra Kumar of Samajwadi Party blamed just about everything under the sun — from the internet and cellphones to television and women’s sense of dressing — for the rise in cases of rape. “Ajkal desh mein pehnawa itna galat ho gaya hai ki kya bolun (What to say of the sense of dressing across the country these days),” he rued.

Sounds of the khap here, eh? Going by Kumar’s logic, if women go back to six-yard sarees, men would be more decent. But women were raped and sexually assaulted even in ancient India. Covering oneself from head to toe is not the remedy; it’s a diktat — meant to be trashed in the garbage can.

Kumar also targeted actor Jayaprada while holding fort on women’s sense of dressing. “Jayaprada-ji, I have seen you in films,” he quipped, referring to the clothes the actor wore on screen. As Jayaprada contested, he snubbed her: “You know I don’t even watch those films or TV. I watch just news.”

Now stop lying, sir, you just said you saw her in films.

# BJP MP Sumitra Mahajan held television and everything in it — from reality shows to serials and right down to commercials — responsible for corrupting people. “It is okay to showcase a child’s talents. But look at these reality shows… (look at the) kind of love songs 10-year-old girls and 13-year-old boys are dancing to. The expression these people have on their faces is appalling. These dirty spray ads and condom advertisements put such negative thoughts in people’s minds. This should be looked into,” she said.

There’s little you can say to that but ‘Heil, moral police!’: the VHP is already on the job, why you ma’am?

Mahajan also said, “Marital rape shouldn’t be made into a criminal offence as it will destroy Indian families. Things like these should be sorted out within the family or by counselling. There is no need for a law.”

Now this was not expected from you. Women, and especially those in rural areas, feel empowered looking at a representative of their sex in Parliament. But when the representative starts acting counter to their interests, they feel left out, betrayed.

# Bhola Singh, the BJP MP from Nawada, meanwhile blamed western influence for causing turmoil in our society. Stop passing the buck on the West for failing to tackle the ills of our country. Or do I see a hint in your words of going back to the Stone Age?

# Getting back to Sharad Yadav, he mooted an idea for a law to provide government protection and government jobs to ‘victims’ of love who end up tying the knot. Personally, as one such victim, that’s a very good suggestion, Mr Yadav, and pray that the khaps aren’t reading this. I wish the government implements this ASAP. Though I don’t need government protection, I wouldn’t mind a government job!

As for the rest, they might all take the time machine back to the Stone Age from right outside Parliament.