I am in Delhi to help my sister move house. It can be quite a pain, even if it is only two floors up in the same apartment block. But it seems that was the easy part. We have moved every darn thing from the smallest to the biggest and the lightest to the heaviest, but our phone, we are told, shall not budge. Because, MTNL, the sarkari phone company tells us, there are serious discrepancies in the application-for-transfer form. For one, it is still in my father’s name, a general in the Indian army who passed away in his blazer and flannels and old school tie 17 years ago.

Like all good soldiers he faded away.

Now, they want a certificate from him saying he has no objection to his 64-year-old flipping son from shifting the line. Talk about celestial confidence!

My mother, being the inheritor also has to give an NOC, these NOCs being big time in our country. Millions of mini-bureaucrats muck about all filling in NOCs and that other big sport called affidavits.

Since Mom left us sixteen years ago it is not going to be easy to get a second NOC unless the phone company has a direct line to the Lord.

I might win by charm combined with infinite patience but Item 8 on the form has me completely foxed. It wants to know my hobbies. What has moving a landline two floors in the same building  got to do with my hobbies? No one is telling me why. Like I read, played squash, now play badminton, love Law and Order and Friends reruns, used to box, tell funny stories (and write them). Now, which one will I write in that space and what if they come to check, like haha, you play badminton, let’s see, we need you to prove it, please come to the club.

I do not jest. This is chicken-feed compared to my quick trip to the courts for registration of property but have to go there again so I dare not write about it till next week.

Doesn’t anybody have any common sense and work it out that we have to update these forms?

Promise, this is only part 1. I will have you tearing up with heartbreaking mirth during the week. There is one story that will melt your heart. Wait for it.